If you have already read my blog post entitled ” The Land of Misfit Toys” then this post will make more sense..If you have not, please start there & then return to read this one to be brought up to speed.
I am baring a large part of my soul here for the world to see (literally 49 countries & counting) so I will speak in generalities of others involved and in reality, it’s not about me but about the concept of the soul that was once fractured into many pieces that are returning to be whole again ( or for once ).
I have had to act tough my whole life to protect myself like a porcupine if you will..Not the toughest animal, but no one wants any part of a porcupines quills.I grew up in a neighborhood of mostly boys ( about 20/ more) and was the smallest, youngest of them all .So human nature being what it is, they picked on me fierce just because they could.I grew up very angry, bitter, mean & vengeful.The cracks are beginning to form..
Wherever I went I was always considered the black sheep, including my own family. The only place I fit in was when I was alone, by myself. I got me, I understood my thought processes, my motives, what made me tick & never misjudged what I said or meant. But most other people ?? Nope..Because I was so different no one took the time to try to understand, they judged me according to their standards or how I was “supposed” to act & think. Cracks becoming fissures..
So I spent as much time by myself as I could, climbing trees, away in the woods exploring nature, etc..I was happier being a lone wolf.I didn’t know God had gifted me as an empathic, intuitive, visionary, discerning old soul. I only knew I was different & didn’t fit in. So now, I’m angry at God too because he could’ve made me more like others. But he did not. People back in the day were very “churchey” so the usual comments were ” God really has a special purpose for you, he has special plans for you, etc..” . I thought sell that down the street sister, we’re all filled up on crazy here. Everywhere I looked for answers, there were none for me. Pieces are splintering here and separating.
At 12 years old I began drinking with a friend and doing drugs which made me temporarily feel better but even less socially acceptable.the only way to rid myself of my demons was to seek to be drunk or high at least 95% of the time and I chased my haunts hard for 12 more years to little or no avail. Somewhere in all this mayhem and debauchery and yes elusive occasional nirvana my soul shattered into many pieces and literally broke off of me. I was thin & spiritually dead and barely living, just existing. I left out the women, sex and really sordid stuff in case my daughter may read it. Suffice it to say I got my heart broken, trampled and mangled many, many times. Empathics, intuitives , etc.. are very sensitive people. So now, I’m a fractured soul with no hope, full of despair, angry, mean, disgusted with life & myself & hated everyone in the world. Well almost everyone, there were a few left; my Mom, Daughter , Grandmother , friend Laurie and a few others, but you get the picture…
So I will wrap up many years into a few sentences here because the purpose was not to be a victim. God forbid, I don’t like whiners. I merely wanted you the reader to understand when I said I was a fractured soul, I meant it. AA, counseling, church, having a support system, living long enough to be able to heal and never, never giving up my quest for answers, for healing, for wholeness, for the broken pieces to come home..
Today and of late ( this year mainly) I have had my broken shards brought back together, fitted into a stained glass mold & soldered into a very cool mosaic of Bryan. I am who I am, I accept that, I am very different, unique ( & I Love that about me) and whole. I have received answers to many perplexing problems and situations I couldn’t grasp before and have been set free. I feel whole, complete, rejuvenated, fulfilled & ready to take on the world. I am happy & blessed being what the good Lord gave me to work with, for being different now is a monster blessing !!! Many obstacles have been removed, I am moving forward with the sun shining on my “stained glass” , the wind in my sails, and truly enjoying being me, being alive & being whole. The simple things in life bring me the greatest joy, my Grandsons, my Daughter, my gardens, my pastries, spending time alone and doing whatever is the next right thing to do…The point to this whole post is..If I can do it, anybody can..Everything that’s really worth it, seems impossible from the starting line. Start anyway, keep moving & stay laser focused on your goals..I was so amazed when I was very young in sobriety & I’d meet an ” old timer ” in AA with 25 years or more of sobriety which looked impossible from where I was. I asked an old codger from Loiusville, Ky, ” How’d you do it ? “..He said very simply, ” I didn’t drink & I didn’t die “. Forget the words can’t, impossible, and never & replace them with can, will, possible, and I’m so there….Be your dreams, be yourself, be your own best friend, be unstoppable..And CHOOSE happiness every day, every second of every day…Live Large…Bryan